I lie awake
in pain. I write through pain. I’m tolerant and found complacency in pain.
The
dictionary describes pain as “… unpleasant physical discomfort experienced by
somebody who is violently struck, injured or ill.” There’s 2 types of pain.
Acute can be severe, but is short in duration. My pain is chronic, which means
recurring and often constant.
I taught
myself to be aware and to feel pain because it doesn’t come natural to me. Some
of the complacency comes from being a woman who is caregiver to all around her,
just not herself.
My abuser
trained me to ignore pain of all sources, brainwashed if you will. A typical
scenario would be that she’d ask how I injured myself, after being beat by her
hands into the fetal position. She denied my hurt and pain as well as her own
involvement. I learned to discount and deny pains’ existence. The need arose to
teach myself to validate and feel pain.
You may ask
‘why would you want to hurt if you don’t have to?’ The answer is simple. Physicians
need specific information to diagnose illness. When you go for your annual
appointment and tell them everything is fine, that’s all they have to go on.
They’ll give you a clean bill of health. In reality that’s not be accurate. I’ll
get real now, speak truth and be more specific.
In the mid
80’s my employer told me I didn’t look good and asked how I was feeling. I
replied fine and went about my duties. He followed me saying no Karen, I don’t think you’re fine. You’re
pale, losing your balance and your speech is impaired. I think you need to go
to your doctor NOW. Being persistent and providing validation there was something wrong, I
admitted then I had a headache.
Long story
short, I was diagnosed with resolving viral encephalitis which caused swelling
from the base of my spine all the way into my brain. I have limited memory of
the first ten days of hospitalization. Reality is there were many symptoms
which I virtually blocked out of my mind. My abuser taught me well.
It’s common
for adult survivors of abuse to block pain. It’s vital to train your brain to
experience discomfort as it occurs. We
as women need to take care of ourselves, first and foremost. Just as
scripture says you are of more value than many sparrows, it also says in 1
Corinthians 6:19-20(NIV) do you not know
that your bodies are temples to the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have
received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore
honor God with your bodies.
I gave you
one instance of many experiences where I didn’t feel pain and suffered severe
consequences because of it. It’s another
case for breaking the cycle of abuse. YOU
ARE WORTH IT! Personally I’ve grown and developed beyond being taught I
wasn’t good and have no value. I credit faith in my Creator and His word for
that change.
Yes I do lie
awake in pain; my insomnia is used as a reminder of how much I’ve grown
spiritually. It’s a time of meditation and thankfulness for my healing. I do
write through pain, that’s when the Holy Spirit weaves words for me that I
myself cannot conceive.
I own my
pain and accept it so yes, I’m tolerant of it. Because of broken bones that
were never set, there are side effects that I’ll live with for the rest of my
life. I tolerate because my abuse doesn’t define me as broken, but a SURVIVOR!
Complacent
with pain may sound odd - I’m satisfied though because my pain has paved my
path with God. He has guided me through my ministry to share my life’s journey
of love, healing and forgiveness.
1 Peter 4:10
(NIV) each of you should use whatever
gift you have received to serve others …
Karen
Maag
Reflections
of Hope Ministry
